Forbidden Lover in Santa Fe

The Wellspring Collective

by Sylvia Van Peebles

the-exDear Sylvia:

You have to help me with a problem. I have a forbidden desire. I am attracted to my best friend’s ex. They got divorced a couple of years ago, and he has not remarried. I recently heard that he is available and not in a committed relationship. This news really excited me. I daydream about us being together. We would be a much better couple together.

I know they say it’s wrong to date the ex of a friend or relative, but I really, really like him. I know all the reasons why the marriage didn’t work out between them, so I know what to do to make our relationship work. Besides, if my friend still cared for him, she’d still be with him. So it shouldn’t matter if I go out with him, right? I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.

People make way too much out of the ex dating thing.  We’re all adults and should be able to date whoever we want. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t care if she dated my ex. She’s got a new guy and they are very happy. I’m entitled to be happy, too.

Forbidden Lover in Santa Fe

Dear Forbidden:

I have a feeling you are writing me in order to gain approval to date your best friend’s ex-husband, and that is just not going to happen. I know it appears that we live in a society where everything goes, but that is not entirely true. There are still things that will never be OK, and this is one of them. There is an unwritten code that self-respecting women follow which states, “You don’t date the ex of a friend — ever.” The way you signed your letter gives me the impression that you know that what you are thinking of doing is wrong.  It makes me wonder if you didn’t like him before they were divorced.

To date your best friend’s ex would be one of the worst betrayals of your friendship. If you do this, you will destroy your friendship. She trusted you to have her back; she did not expect you to stab her in it. This will have a ripple effect as well because you will not only lose her friendship, but also the friendships of mutual friends the two of you have. Girlfriends are fiercely protective of each other. Hurt one and you will suffer the wrath of the whole group. I hope you are prepared for this possibility.

I sincerely hope you will seriously reconsider what you are contemplating doing. Is this man really worth the amount of pain your dating would cause?  Your friend’s ex is not free from responsibility if you two get together. He knows it’s wrong. Don’t think men do not feel the same way when their ex dates their friends. You have a lot to lose. Once you head down this path, the deed will be done, and you cannot go back.

Remember, you do reap what you sow, and I pray you do not do this thing.



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© Sylvia Van Peebles and Sylvia's Thoughts Online, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sylvia Van Peebles and Sylvia's Thought Online with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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